In a way it is bitter sweet though. Two members of our
extended family that God intended to be with us are not. One through death, the
other due to something else. It truly saddens me because in different ways both
are missed.
As the first year anniversary of Austyn's death approaches
on September 2nd, we have already started making plans on how we are going to
"deal" with that memorable day. I personally have taken the week off
because I don't want to be at work during that period of time. When you love
somebody as much as we loved Austyn, certain times can be really challenging.
Christmas was one of those times, which is why Karen and I made the wooden
horses in the colors that Austyn's biological mother attributed to him, teal
and purple. It gave us a chance to share something with his biological family
in a tangible way.
I suspect in some folks eyes we have gone a little
over-board when it comes to keeping our memories of Austyn alive. One person
has accused Karen and me of creating "shrines" to him because we
wanted to have something tangible that we gave
to him that he physically touched. I can't help but wonder if the person
who accused us of this type of "unhealthy" behavior would be making
these kinds of statements if their own (God forbid) biological child had
physically passed away. You see, that is how Karen and I viewed Austyn, as one
of our boys. The items that we have that Austyn touched are not on display,
they are tucked away in a drawer. We rarely get them out. Karen and I have pictures
of all of the kids that we adore on display in our house, all seven of them. I
even have pictures of all three of my boys displayed on my office walls at
work. I had them there before Austyn died and they are still there now. I don't
know how that type of behavior has become describable as building
"shrines", but if it is then I am guilty.
I tend to be a very emotional person and I have had to let
God work on me because in the past I have allowed my emotions to lead me to
take action when I should have allowed God to be in control. I have strong opinions
of right and wrong and I am constantly learning to allow God's Word to be the
standard by which to judge right/wrong. Having said that, I am still human and
I want to take up for the under-dog. Maybe that is how God created me. In my
eyes, Austyn was an under-dog. Sure, he made a lot of stupid (and I mean
STUPID) mistakes and he frequently did it the Pentecostal way (in groups) but
he was extremely remorseful about it in the last several months of his life and
that made his past mistakes forgivable. Why even mention the stuff in the last
several sentences?
Because I mentioned that there was a second extended family
member missing and I strongly believe that is true. Our love for Austyn and our willingness to
accept his repentance as being real is the chasm that separates us from our
other member. This member chooses to not believe that God was able to transform
Austyn's life because they feel that Austyn was playing a part and was
unwilling or unable to change. This member defiantly chose not to spend any
time with him during the last 14 months of his life but is able to draw these
conclusions. In a way, that member needs to believe that Austyn was unrepentant
to justify their behavior and actions towards him, including the inappropriate
comments they made after he was already gone.
Here is where Justin has to let God help him get his
emotions out of the way...
We all need to be reconciled. That is God's plan. It was
never part of God's plan for our families to become fractured because Austyn
died. For Karen and me, we became angry because one "family" member
said and did some unbecoming things against Austyn. What would it take to
become reconciled? Repentance and good dose of humility. The irony is that
Austyn took the lead in this area and demonstrated through his life what this
other member needs to learn. In the mean time, the rest of the extended family will continue to get together
and enjoy each others' company. The next "family" gathering is scheduled
for September 6th (the day we buried Austyn on last year) and we are moving forward with our
lives...together.
What other plans/dreams do we still have?
Well, we need to get Austyn a headstone. We haven't been
able to have one placed on his grave yet because of finances but we serve a
great big God and eventually he will provide in this area. It is not a matter
of if but when, and I have faith that the "when" will not be too far
down the road.
I also have a dream that someday I will be able to
minister again with my other best friend (other than Karen of course). There
was something supernatural that took place when we ministered together and I am
asking God to allow us the opportunity to minister together again. I am excited
about what the future holds in this area... :)
No comments:
Post a Comment