Missing "Family"

Karen and I have had some really great friends at our house for fellowships over the last couple of months. We really look forward to these events because we get to be with people who have become a sort of extended family. In one case, it really is the reuniting of two families that I truly believe that God never intended to be separated in the first place. The details of the division are no longer important, just the fact that God has started mending the rift that caused us to become separated in the first place.

In a way it is bitter sweet though. Two members of our extended family that God intended to be with us are not. One through death, the other due to something else. It truly saddens me because in different ways both are missed.

As the first year anniversary of Austyn's death approaches on September 2nd, we have already started making plans on how we are going to "deal" with that memorable day. I personally have taken the week off because I don't want to be at work during that period of time. When you love somebody as much as we loved Austyn, certain times can be really challenging. Christmas was one of those times, which is why Karen and I made the wooden horses in the colors that Austyn's biological mother attributed to him, teal and purple. It gave us a chance to share something with his biological family in a tangible way.

I suspect in some folks eyes we have gone a little over-board when it comes to keeping our memories of Austyn alive. One person has accused Karen and me of creating "shrines" to him because we wanted to have something tangible that we gave  to him that he physically touched. I can't help but wonder if the person who accused us of this type of "unhealthy" behavior would be making these kinds of statements if their own (God forbid) biological child had physically passed away. You see, that is how Karen and I viewed Austyn, as one of our boys. The items that we have that Austyn touched are not on display, they are tucked away in a drawer. We rarely get them out. Karen and I have pictures of all of the kids that we adore on display in our house, all seven of them. I even have pictures of all three of my boys displayed on my office walls at work. I had them there before Austyn died and they are still there now. I don't know how that type of behavior has become describable as building "shrines", but if it is then I am guilty.

I tend to be a very emotional person and I have had to let God work on me because in the past I have allowed my emotions to lead me to take action when I should have allowed God to be in control. I have strong opinions of right and wrong and I am constantly learning to allow God's Word to be the standard by which to judge right/wrong. Having said that, I am still human and I want to take up for the under-dog. Maybe that is how God created me. In my eyes, Austyn was an under-dog. Sure, he made a lot of stupid (and I mean STUPID) mistakes and he frequently did it the Pentecostal way (in groups) but he was extremely remorseful about it in the last several months of his life and that made his past mistakes forgivable. Why even mention the stuff in the last several sentences?

Because I mentioned that there was a second extended family member missing and I strongly believe that is true.  Our love for Austyn and our willingness to accept his repentance as being real is the chasm that separates us from our other member. This member chooses to not believe that God was able to transform Austyn's life because they feel that Austyn was playing a part and was unwilling or unable to change. This member defiantly chose not to spend any time with him during the last 14 months of his life but is able to draw these conclusions. In a way, that member needs to believe that Austyn was unrepentant to justify their behavior and actions towards him, including the inappropriate comments they made after he was already gone.

Here is where Justin has to let God help him get his emotions out of the way...

We all need to be reconciled. That is God's plan. It was never part of God's plan for our families to become fractured because Austyn died. For Karen and me, we became angry because one "family" member said and did some unbecoming things against Austyn. What would it take to become reconciled? Repentance and good dose of humility. The irony is that Austyn took the lead in this area and demonstrated through his life what this other member needs to learn. In the mean time, the rest of the  extended family will continue to get together and enjoy each others' company. The next "family" gathering is scheduled for September 6th (the day we buried Austyn on last year)  and we are moving forward with our lives...together.

What other plans/dreams do we still have?

Well, we need to get Austyn a headstone. We haven't been able to have one placed on his grave yet because of finances but we serve a great big God and eventually he will provide in this area. It is not a matter of if but when, and I have faith that the "when" will not be too far down the road.

I also have a dream that someday I will be able to minister again with my other best friend (other than Karen of course). There was something supernatural that took place when we ministered together and I am asking God to allow us the opportunity to minister together again. I am excited about what the future holds in this area... :)

Old Spice Cologne, Pipe Smoke and Sawdust

Old Spice cologne, smoke from a pipe and the smell of sawdust all have one thing in common for me; they all bring back wonderful memories of a Dad who loved me so very much and demonstrated it through the physical affection he showed me. My Dad’s father passed away when my Dad was fairly young, around 11 years old or so. I don’t really know much about my Grandpa Cowell, but if he was anything like my Dad he was probably an affectionate man. Even if he wasn’t, that was the way my Dad was and that is how he taught me to be. My Dad hugged and kissed me and told me he loved me up until the last day we were physically with each other and I was 38 years old at the time. Even beyond that he always told me he loved me before he hung up the phone whenever he called. Honestly, I miss that immensely.

Karen and I are not shy about showing our affections for each other, but I want this to be about my relationship with my sons so just know that is why I won’t mention our marriage relationship anymore in this post. I am sure my boys would not like me to share this but I am going to anyway because it shows how the tradition of showing physical affection between Dad and Sons lives on in our household. I have kissed, hugged and told my sons I love them since birth. That is just the kind of person that I am. I have had to learn to control my Public Display of Affection (PDA) because it embarrasses my sons. Because I never want them to stop showing their affection to me in a physical way, I control my urges to hug and kiss them in public (although I sneak one in from time to time). Both of them still tell me that they love me and hug me multiple times each day and both boys allow me to kiss them in the privacy of our home. Every morning I kiss both of my sons before I sneak out of the house to go to work. I NEVER MISS my morning kiss with them because it is as important as anything else in my life and I would rather be late than miss kissing my sons.

Now I know there are those people who are thinking, “You don’t have to kiss, hug and tell your kids that you love them to show your affection to them!” Well, if that works for you and your kids, good for you! That doesn’t work for me and I am going to do it my way until my boys won’t allow me to. So why is it that important to me? Because I believe that my sons need the security that comes from knowing that I wanted them, I accept them and I love them…period. The best way for me to do that is by demonstrating for them my love and affection in a physical way.

One of the things I have learned as a Dad, my kids will always need my affection in some way to help them feel secure. When they were real little guys, they would crawl into my lap and snuggle with me while we watched television or movies together. Now, they sit on the couch with me and sometimes casually lean against me. It is subtle, but I understand the message. It is a grown-up way of cuddling and I am really good with that. I enjoy it!

Judging

Have you ever heard somebody say this, “you have no right to judge me” or hear somebody quote Matthew 7:3-4, “"And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye?"

Is it true that we are in jeopardy of hell fire if we do judge? Well, lets explore this just a little. First of all, everyone is guilty of judging whether they choose to admit it or not. When we wake up in the morning, we choose the clothing that we wear based on our likes or dislikes. That is a judgment. When we choose what we want to eat, that is a judgment. When we go to Walmart to buy light bulbs and we choose to buy the GE brand instead of the Great Value brand; that is a judgment. So, judging is not inherently improper.

So what makes judging inherently improper or proper? The answer is quite simply, motive.

When it comes to people, especially amongst the religious types, judging others tends to raise red flags and everyone jumps on the bandwagon of "Do not judge lest you be judged yourselves" (Matthew 7:1, NASB). Although at first glance this seems to be straight-forward, it becomes a little more murky when you throw in two other sayings of Jesus found in John 7:24, “"Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment”; and Luke 12:57, "Why don't you judge for yourselves what is right?" Jesus was not requiring us to look the other way and to ignore things going on around us that is wrong. Rather, He was prohibiting judgment that was intentionally inaccurate and malicious. You see, because Jesus is the son of God he understands that sometimes people are quick to judge and criticize others because they are trying to cover up their own shortcomings and flaws. They do that by pointing out the minor flaws in others to hide the bigger flaws in themselves. Unfortunately, we are all guilty of doing this from time to time. I won’t even pretend to be flawless in this area.

So what was the point Jesus was trying to make with Matthew 7:3-4? He was prohibiting judgment that is rendered based on wrong motives. He was dealing with those persons who cannot render godly constructive correction because they have not dealt effectively with their own faults. These are the kind of people who do not seek to correct, forgive, restore and reconcile brothers and sisters to God. Instead, they intentionally do all that they can to make other peoples’ lives miserable for personal pleasure or gain.

So what type of judging is proper? When we ask God to help us with the sin in our own lives, the Holy Spirit removes those things that cloud our vision and helps us to judge things from God’s perspective: in love, seeking the best interest of the person being judged. Ultimately, the goal of righteous judgment is to bring another person closer to God. Introspectively, I need to let the Holy Spirit continue to help me in this area and I suspect that I am not alone.

Hurry Up God, You're Way Too Slow!

Like everyone else in the world, I dream of things that I would like to acquire some day. As time progresses, I realize that the day that I can fulfill one of my desires is slowly approaching. I have for years dreamed of having a pontoon party boat that we could go out on to have a good time with family and/or friends. I have been waiting many years for that dream to come to fruition and I still have a few more years to wait. Although my income is now 5 1/2 times what it was when Karen and I first got married, we still have decided to show self control by putting money away for retirement and paying off all our long-term debt as quickly as possible (which is only our mortgage now).

I wish I could say that showing self-control were easy for me but it is something that I had to learn the hard way. When I was young and dumb, I had many thousands of dollars of credit card debts and automobile loans and quickly found myself over extended. Needless to say, my credit score took a sharp nose dive and I couldn't get a loan back then to buy a candy bar in a grocery store. When Karen and I got married, I brought the extra baggage of debt into the marriage with me. Through hard work and perseverance, we paid off my debt and haven't made the same mistakes again. I guess that is why I can be tolerant of young people who make stupid mistakes because I was one at one time. About three weeks ago I received a call from the bank manager at the bank which Karen and I use. She had run my credit score and we were 11 points away from having perfect credit. She stated it was the highest score she had ever seen in her banking career. God blessed our endeavors and helped us repair the damage that I had done.

Over the years I have seen so many examples of foolish people doing foolish things. To be fair though, I have seen one great example of a man of God who took a stand to trust God to finance his church's building program and he has stood by the promise that he made to God. Here is that great example:

Over 10 years ago, Karen and I went to a large church in Fort Smith Arkansas. The pastor at this church of over 1300 members felt that God wanted them to expand their facilities so they could serve more people in the community. The church was already serving several hundred inner-city children every week and this pastor felt God wanted them to expand to serve even more families. However, the pastor knew that God wanted them to do it debt free and that they needed to raise the money so they wouldn't have to borrow it. You see, this pastor understood that although the Bible doesn't say that borrowing money is a sin, it does state that borrowing money is unwise. Proverbs 22:7 states, "The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender." It has been over 10 years, and this church still continues to raise the money for their building program and GOD HAS BLESSED THEM.

This is one example of a true man of God who has followed through on his commitment to allow God to provide the funding for God's expansion program. Unfortunately, most of us only hear about those men of God who may not have been so wise in their fund raising efforts because they tried to trump God and use debt as a means to fund their expansion program. Did you catch that? In one instance I said "God's" expansion program and in the other I said "their" expansion program. You see, when God is in it, God has the ability to finance any expansion program. He just does it in his own timing. We have many great examples of this. When God wanted his people to build a tabernacle, Moses put the word out that resources were needed and the people gave. No debt financing was necessary. When Solomon wanted to build God's temple, he used the resources that God had already provided through the King's treasury. No debt financing was necessary. That is where we go wrong when we try to trump God.

So when is borrowing money a sin? At this point I am going to give my opinion. I believe that debt becomes a sin when we allow it to go beyond providing for our basal requirements (shelter, food, clothing, etc) to providing ourselves with luxuries if it binds our finances so strongly that we are ineffective in helping others with their basal requirements. In other words, if we are so strapped for cash because we bought luxury items for ourselves (or family) that we are unable to help others who really need it, then it is a sin. The other time I believe it is a sin is when we are inpatient in waiting for God to provide and we decide to take matters into our own hands. Then it is a sin because it is a condition of the heart. Either we didn't trust God to provide or we decided that his timing didn't meet our demands and we decided to change the timeline to meet what we wanted. In essence, we are saying, "hurry up God, you're way too slow!" 

What it really boils down to is that Karen and I are only truly responsible for how we handle our family's finances and the training we give our children in how they should handle their finances. However,  I also think that since God has allowed us to learn some valuable lessons through our experiences we should share those experiences in order to help others.

Poor Little Ol’ Me!

As a person who seems to be in a constant state of learning, thus the reason this blog is called “older dog leaning new tricks”, I find myself trying to find answers to questions that I have. Recently, I found myself questioning some things that just didn’t seem to pass a reasonableness test within me and I felt led to use some of my secular research skills to find some answers.  Now, I don’t pretend to be an expert in this field, so I am going to have to rely on information that I have found online when it comes to victim and aggressor relationships. I know for many people who read this blog this may not make a whole lot of sense, but for those who have been dealing with the same people and issues that Karen and I have for a while, this may make some sense.

Here is what was bothering me. I heard that a certain person was claiming to have been verbally abused and victimized by person(s) close to them but I have been around them over the period of several YEARS and witnessed the person who was claiming to be the victim as the one who was verbally abusive to the person(s) they were claiming was/were the aggressor(s). Now I am not so naïve as to believe that abusive aggressors cannot remain quiet and controlled in the public view, but I also wondered if there was such a personality where the aggressor plays the part of victim when out in public but can be abusive in private or within a close-knit circle of people where they feel safe.  It appears this is called self-victimization and it happens more often than we realize.

Apparently in these types of situations, the aggressor (playing the part of victim) tries to manipulate others into sympathizing with them in order to gain their assistance in abusing the real victim(s). According to what I read, manipulators often play the victim role (poor little ol’ me) by portraying themselves as victims of circumstances or someone else’s behavior in order to gain pity or sympathy. Since caring and conscientious Christian people cannot stand to see anyone suffering, the manipulator often finds it easy and rewarding to play on their sympathy to get their cooperation.

Hmm…perhaps the complexity of some of these situations that I have had to play a part within is the reason I have had a hard time figuring out what is the truth and what is reality.

Although I miss Austyn greatly and selfishly wish he were still with us, as I continue to sort through several years of data that I have stored up in my mind, I am sort of grateful that he isn’t having to deal any longer with the one individual who I suspect showed him almost no love, little grace and even less compassion. I strongly believe that he is in the loving arms of a God who continues to show him more love than his biological and “adopted” family could ever show. In the mean time, Karen and I will continue to provide moral and emotional support to his father and those family members who are willing to let us and wait for God to impart justice to those that exploited his vulnerability. I take refuge in God’s word which states, “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.” Hebrews 4:13

Lessons Learned With Austyn: Moving from the Past into the Present

"...this one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13

 

I suspect that I am not the only person who has regrets about some of the things I did or not do in my past that I wish I could change. If I really sat here and thought hard about it, I could fill page after page with regrets that I have related to the past and it would help catapult me into having one of the biggest pity parties imaginable. The main problem with that is that it wouldn't serve any real purpose. You see, no matter how remorseful I am about what I did,  or did not do, I can't change the past. Oh, I can be apologetic for some of the things that I did and if I there are things that I need to apologize for I should, but the fact still remains that I can't change the past.

 

As I stated in an earlier post, Austyn had some things that he was extremely remorseful about and wanted to apologize for. In some cases he was unable to do so because some people were unwilling to accept that God was capable of changing his life. This became an almost paralyzing problem for Austyn because he felt he couldn't move on unless things were made right. He had to learn that when he was willing to submit his life to God, stop being disobedient and give God complete control, God made him a new creation. As a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17), he had been declared a child of God—redeemed, justified, sanctified and filled with the grace and love of Christ himself. Even if some people were not willing to accept his apologies, through God's justification he received a new standing of divinely given righteousness which no man (or woman) could prevent...that was the beginning.

 

Austyn did let go of the past, as best he could, and started moving forward in the present working towards goals that would benefit his future. He started taking courses through 'Work One' and was working towards his GED (now called TASC-Test Assessing Secondary Completion). He had mastered several areas and was really only needing to brush up on his math. In parallel with this, He was attending church at Bethany in Washington Indiana and was really enjoying the youth activities there. He even had participated in some domestic 'missionary' work within the Washington community. His last project was a human video based on 'Set Me Free' by Casting Crowns which he was directing. We know he was extremely excited about this drama because he called Karen up 5 days before he passed away and just talked on and on about it. In typical Austyn fashion, he was in a hurry to see it completed and performed.

So, what is the purpose of this post? As humans, we all need to let go of some of those things in our past that we can not change. God taught me some valuable lessons while I watched Austyn struggle in his attempt to rectify the wrongs he had committed. I am guilty of having a "talk is cheap" attitude. I am the type of person who finds it hard to take people's word that they are remorseful for the things that they have done that have negatively affected my life. I want to see something tangible to prove that they are remorseful. I want blood! That is the carnal side of Justin and I know that it is not right and it is not Godly. That is why I have had to repent for my attitude and allow God to show me that sometimes the only thing some people can do is apologize. Like Austyn, they may not have anything tangible to offer... but if God redeems, justifies and sanctifies them, then that is all they need.

 

The other lesson that goes hand-in-hand with moving from the past into the present and ultimately into the future is that with God's guidance, we need to establish goals that don't conflict with the Word and nature of God and allow God to help us take the steps necessary to bring those goals to fruition. Sometimes we have to set short term goals that we can accomplish relatively easily to give us the confidence boosts necessary to accomplish even bigger goals. Just as Austyn was working towards a short term goal of completing his GED, I don't think it was much of a stretch to believe that he had a longer term goal of going into ministry. I just think God has different plans for him.

O Be Careful Little Eyes

Remember this little song from when you were in Sunday School as a child:

O be careful little eyes what you see

O be careful little eyes what you see

There's a Father up above

And He's looking down in love

So, be careful little eyes what you see

Since childhood,  I have been fascinated with magic and illusionists. I remember when I was around 14 years of age we had some friends join us for dinner at our house. I decided to show them a "magic" trick in which I put a wooden match in a handkerchief and then had the man and his wife feel the wooden match wrapped inside the handkerchief. After they confirmed that the match was there and indeed unbroken, I had the wife snap the match stick in half. After saying some "magic" words to make the match stick be restored, I opened the handkerchief to reveal an "unbroken" match stick. The wife was totally amazed and thought it was a great "trick". The husband, on the other hand, wanted to inspect the handkerchief and upon close inspection found the secret seam that contained the broken match stick. The secret had been found out!

Over the years I have continued to have a fascination with illusionists and have learned quite a bit about how illusions are accomplished. The keys to all illusionist's success are those people who assist in the illusion and the fact that we tend, as humans, to accept what we "see" as being true and almost irrefutable. Especially in large illusions, without a faithful assistant who helps the illusionist "deceive" the eyes of the audience, the illusionist would have a really hard time accomplishing the feat. Over the years I have learned that "magic" wasn't really my calling in life but I still love to see a good "magic" show from time to time. Even though I understand how a lot of the illusions are accomplished, I still love to watch them because it is just plain fun.

Several months ago, due to an accident with a deer about a mile from our house, some friends of ours had to borrow our Sante Fe to travel up to visit a college. Everything worked out well for them on the trip and we were glad to assist. I mention this to provide an object lesson. Although my Santa Fe has been to this certain college, Karen and I have not been there. If somebody that we know well would have seen my Sante Fe, with the special Indiana Wesleyan University license plates and unique scratches on the drivers side rear panel, they would have suspected that we were visiting that University. By all appearances, they would have been justified in believing that we had been there. The proof would have been in the fact that our vehicle was there. However, by asking us personally about whether we had been there or not they would have found out that it wasn't us but somebody else who had borrowed our vehicle. Innocent enough, but these types of real life "illusions" happen.

As I have stated in the past, things that happen in the physical realm have application in the spiritual realm and vise-versa. Over the last several months I have viewed some things going on within my circle of friends that I have had to apply some of those spiritual decision making principles to that I spoke about in my "Now What God" post.

As much as I wish it were not true, as Christians we are not immune to making judgments about other people without knowing the full truth. Sometimes we listen to those disgruntled people who run around promoting "illusions" as facts that support their own less than honorable agendas. I don't argue that it is extremely challenging to know what is truth because so many people have become so adept at telling lies that appear to be truth. That is why I keep reiterating that we as Christians need to keep God first and foremost in our decision making process. We need to seek God to reveal to us what is truth and what is not. That may not happen instantaneously, so I also ask that people don't act on impulse and do things that could be damaging to another person's spiritual, economical, emotional or physical well being based on the "illusions" presented by others and that people will wait on the Lord to lead them into what they should be doing. In the mean time, we need to practice 1 John 3:18 which states, "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth."