A Very Comforting Thing To Have

"Friendship," said Christopher Robin, "is a very comforting thing to have.”- A.A Milne in Winnie-the-Pooh.

A while back, Karen and I were reminiscing about different times in our lives and the different people that we have shared it with over the years. Some of those friendships teetered on the rim of the totally ridiculous while others have been intense. Each one has left us with memories and some have provided material for me to use to write about... :)

John and Lisa were the first friends that Karen and I had together. We knew them from church before we got married and after we got married we continued that friendship. They really were a unique couple. An interesting piece of trivia about these two was that the same day that they got married before the justice of the peace, John checked Lisa into the hospital for a psych evaluation. I learned that was not the optimum way to start off a marriage. After Lisa got out, their marriage was strained to say the least. Although our friendships continued, it was not exactly mutually beneficial to all of us. They had a habit of asking for favors and were extremely moody. They were always complaining about things and we found that friendship to be very draining. We started going weeks, and then more than a month, at a time when we didn't talk to each other. Then they moved away without us even knowing it. One month they were there, the next month they were gone. We can't help but wonder what ever happened to them but continue to chuckle to ourselves whenever we think about them.

Galen and Tammy were another couple that came into our lives and their friendship will always have a special place in our hearts. Karen, the boys and I were new to McAlester, Oklahoma because I had just accepted a new job with the Department of Army and we had moved there to start a new life. We visited the 1st Assembly of God in town and we were met out in the parking lot by Galen. He instantly became a hit with my boys because he liked to sneak up behind them and "catch/scare" them. It was a game that began almost on day one and continued until we left a year later. Galen and Tammy were what I refer to as extremely intentional friends. They invited us to their home for a BBQ and swimming almost immediately after we moved there. Then they helped us get involved in our local church by helping us get involved in building props and piñatas for the annual "family festival" in October. Because of their intentionality, all of us felt like we really were important "family" to them. Thinking about them always brings a smile to my face.

Although there have been many more friends in our lives throughout the years, these two couples demonstrate two very different types of friendships: convenience and intentional.

John and Lisa were convenience friends. They are classic examples of those types of friends who are only around when it is easy for them and when they get much more from the friendship than they have to put into the friendship. At the time I didn't really realize it, but they started out as convenience friends and never progressed much beyond that. When given other choices, they did not gravitate towards spending time with us UNLESS they wanted something from us. Then they were quick to call to ask us to come over.

Galen and Tammy were the epitome of intentional friends. They put so much effort into making us feel like family. They didn't just talk the talk, they walked the walk. They demonstrated with their lives how God intended real friendships to be.  In hindsight though, I have come to realize that although they were extremely intentional in their friendships towards us, we were not as intentional in return. It wasn't purposeful. I guess I just didn't know how real friends behaved. I thank God that he brought wonderful people like Galen and Tammy into our lives to teach us, but I am ashamed to have to admit that it wasn't until we moved away that I realized how important their friendship had been to us.

But...

We did learn. One of the things that I learned was that not all friendships are going to be intentional. Very few really are and that's ok. Convenience friendships serve their purpose. It allows us to accomplish things with other people that is beneficial without having to commit too deeply on an emotional level. So, convenience friendships are a good thing.

Although very few in numbers, I learned that our intentional friendships are to be cherished and nurtured. These friendships are the ones that I can draw from when I need physical, emotional and spiritual support and ones that my intentional friends can draw from when they need the same. These take a lot of effort and are not to be taken lightly. On the other hand, they are very rewarding and I do cherish my intentional friends. To my intentional friends, and you know who you are...Thank you for being intentional!

And to Galen and Tammy...THANK YOU for demonstrating for us what it means to be intentional friends...

Sticks and Stones

The March 1862 edition of The Christian Recorder had the first documented account of this old nursery rhyme:

            Sticks and stones may break my bones,
            But words will never harm me.

As we become adults, we become acutely aware of how wrong that nursery rhyme really is. Sure, sticks and stones can break bones but bones eventually heal again. Words, once spoken cannot be taken back and can continue to haunt the wrong person for potentially the rest of their lives.

In my early teens, I was excited to finally reach 12 years of age because I was going to be able to join the youth group, which was thriving at our little Church located in the Sierra Nevada Mountains of Northern California. I vividly remember attending the first youth meeting, just to hear the youth pastor announce that he was resigning and moving away. I was absolutely heart-broken. Hope was restored within a couple of weeks when another young single male layperson decided to take the non-paying position. He took the position and attendance quickly plummeted. Within a few months, only about a half-dozen "drugged" youth members (those drugged to church by their parents) remained. His last great act before he quit as youth pastor and dropped out of church completely was to write letters to all his remaining youth attendees. After he distributed the letters, he promptly left. Since our parents were still in church, we decided to open our letters and share with each other what he had to say. The first few letters were great words of affirmation, which left me excited to see what he had written to me. I opened the letter and started reading a laundry list of  the faults that he saw in me. I was absolutely devastated. From that day forward, I struggled a lot because I had a low self image of myself. The seed of doubt had been sown.

By the time I reached my Senior year in high school, I had already decided that as soon as I graduated I would find a job and work at a blue collar job the rest of my life. Having worked several summers as a custodian at the high school that I attended, I had come to believe that I probably couldn't do any better. College was only for kids from wealthy families and I wasn't one of those. But God had bigger plans for my life and he was going to use another person to plant yet another seed. That seed was called "hope". This woman told me that I was destined for bigger things and that I could accomplish my goals and dreams. Although I took a stab at college out of high school, it took 15 years for that "hope" seed to sprout and take root. You see, the doubt seed that was planted in my youth had such a strong root system that it would hang on long into my adulthood.

 

Five years after Karen and I got married the decision was made that I would go back to college to finish my education. After the first semester, we ran out of money and I hit a whole new low in my life. I literally cried all the way home that night from work when I realized that my dream of finishing my education had ended and that I was going to be stuck in my present job for the rest of my life. Karen knew something was wrong as soon as I got home and I had to tell her that I no longer was going to have money to go to school on. I had maintained a 3.6 GPA but I was an older student (32 years old) and scholarships were not plentiful for somebody like me. Karen encouraged me to take a leap of faith and after prayerful consideration, we continued on utilizing low interest student loans. By this time, we had learned a valuable lesson about marriage that some folks never seem to grasp. Once a couple are married, God expects them to function as a single unit. As I continued to take classes, it was truly a partnership this time and we have attacked all problems with this methodology since. WE graduated in August 2002 with OUR Bachelors in Accounting and would finish OUR Master's in Management in 2007, just two months before my Dad passed away. In 2003, WE were hired by the Department in Army as a GS-05 and today WE are a GS-13 (equivalent between major and lieutenant-colonel). Leaving spirituality out of the discussion at this point, by man's standards WE have done alright in OUR education and career, however in the background of my mind there is a list of faults that plays from time to time planted by a person in my youth.    

If you have ever read Genesis Chapter One, you have seen the words, "and God said..." That is always followed by an action because when God says something, it happens. Jesus said in Mark 11:23, "Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him." In other words, our words have authority (when coupled with faith) and action can be taken based on them. The whole point here is that words (speech) are very powerful and if they were not, God would not have high-lighted the power within them in his Word (the Bible).

Just as a person planted seeds of doubt in my mind at a young age, we all are able to build others up or tear them down based on the words that we speak to them. We just have to remember that the words we speak to our children and spouses can either build them up or tear them down. It is amazing how many people don't realize the long-term damage they are doing when they say things like, "I knew you wouldn't be able to do that right" or "your not very bright." Sometimes it's not that blatant or obvious, but the intention is negative none-the-less.

The good news is that it is never too late to change the way we speak to our loved ones and others with whom we interact, especially if we have been speaking negative things towards them. If we put into practice the concept that as married couples we are truly a single unit, then it only makes sense that we would want to speak positive things into our mate. By building our mates up, we are strengthening ourselves. Also, by being cognitive that we need to try to balance the negative corrective discipline of our children with an equal amount of affirmation, we strengthen the familial unit by having children who are able to identify appropriate behaviors/actions but also have healthy self-esteems.

Unsafe Distances

We had a simple plan a couple of nights ago. After eating dinner, Karen and I decided to tramp out into a portion of our woods that we seldom visit to retrieve an old tire that we could use to build a "football toss" carnival style game. We still have a half dozen or so tires that had been left there by the previous land owner and we decided to utilize one.

Little did we realize what we were about to experience. I was on point and Karen was about 20 feet behind me as I entered the brush/tree line. All of a sudden I heard Karen yell that something had bitten her. My mind instantly interpreted that as her having been bitten by a venomous snake. I turned to go back to help her and noticed that she was holding her hand/arm. At that point, I didn't have time to even re-evaluate what had just happened. I felt the first pains on my body and I looked around and realized that I was being swarmed by dozens of black and white bald-faced hornets. Without realizing it, I had stepped up next to their nest and the bald-faced hornets are known to be more aggressive than other hornets, wasps or bees. They can each sting multiple times and will chase those that they feel are a danger to their nests long distances to protect it. 

Karen took off running towards the house and I was right behind her. We were still a couple hundred feet from the house when Karen fell face first to the ground. As I reached her to pick her up, I still had a couple of hornets stuck in my clothes. I killed those hornets, helped Karen up and we raced up to our barn. Since we were quite a distance from the hornets by then, they had abandoned their attack and we were now able to evaluate our injuries. Karen had one sting, a skinned up left knee, right thigh and right arm. I had eight stings, all of which were on the right side of my body, all of which were below the waist except for one sting on my lower right back. We then went into the house, applied "after bite" to our stings (which helps relieve some of the discomfort and actually works) and Karen cleaned her wounds. Not wanting to give up too easily, Karen and I went out to the barn to build the game frame anyway. As we were retrieving the lumber from our lumber stack, God allowed us to see a tire that we had all but forgotten about. It was one that was out in the woods before but I had brought up to the house to dispose of. We used it instead!

Because I don't believe that God allows bad things to happen to people for no reason, I asked him last night what was the purpose for all of this taking place. The simple lesson that I learned from this, that could be applied in a spiritual way, is that sometimes bad things happen to good people just because they allow themselves to get too close to a bad situation. They may not even do it intentionally, but they do it none-the-less. Sometimes people are be-bopping along and not paying attention to lurking dangers and then get caught unaware when something bad happens.  They may not really be doing anything wrong, but close proximity is enough for them to get stung. In some applications of this principle, close proximity may not even be a physical thing, but an emotional thing or even the appearance of impropriety.

Missing "Family"

Karen and I have had some really great friends at our house for fellowships over the last couple of months. We really look forward to these events because we get to be with people who have become a sort of extended family. In one case, it really is the reuniting of two families that I truly believe that God never intended to be separated in the first place. The details of the division are no longer important, just the fact that God has started mending the rift that caused us to become separated in the first place.

In a way it is bitter sweet though. Two members of our extended family that God intended to be with us are not. One through death, the other due to something else. It truly saddens me because in different ways both are missed.

As the first year anniversary of Austyn's death approaches on September 2nd, we have already started making plans on how we are going to "deal" with that memorable day. I personally have taken the week off because I don't want to be at work during that period of time. When you love somebody as much as we loved Austyn, certain times can be really challenging. Christmas was one of those times, which is why Karen and I made the wooden horses in the colors that Austyn's biological mother attributed to him, teal and purple. It gave us a chance to share something with his biological family in a tangible way.

I suspect in some folks eyes we have gone a little over-board when it comes to keeping our memories of Austyn alive. One person has accused Karen and me of creating "shrines" to him because we wanted to have something tangible that we gave  to him that he physically touched. I can't help but wonder if the person who accused us of this type of "unhealthy" behavior would be making these kinds of statements if their own (God forbid) biological child had physically passed away. You see, that is how Karen and I viewed Austyn, as one of our boys. The items that we have that Austyn touched are not on display, they are tucked away in a drawer. We rarely get them out. Karen and I have pictures of all of the kids that we adore on display in our house, all seven of them. I even have pictures of all three of my boys displayed on my office walls at work. I had them there before Austyn died and they are still there now. I don't know how that type of behavior has become describable as building "shrines", but if it is then I am guilty.

I tend to be a very emotional person and I have had to let God work on me because in the past I have allowed my emotions to lead me to take action when I should have allowed God to be in control. I have strong opinions of right and wrong and I am constantly learning to allow God's Word to be the standard by which to judge right/wrong. Having said that, I am still human and I want to take up for the under-dog. Maybe that is how God created me. In my eyes, Austyn was an under-dog. Sure, he made a lot of stupid (and I mean STUPID) mistakes and he frequently did it the Pentecostal way (in groups) but he was extremely remorseful about it in the last several months of his life and that made his past mistakes forgivable. Why even mention the stuff in the last several sentences?

Because I mentioned that there was a second extended family member missing and I strongly believe that is true.  Our love for Austyn and our willingness to accept his repentance as being real is the chasm that separates us from our other member. This member chooses to not believe that God was able to transform Austyn's life because they feel that Austyn was playing a part and was unwilling or unable to change. This member defiantly chose not to spend any time with him during the last 14 months of his life but is able to draw these conclusions. In a way, that member needs to believe that Austyn was unrepentant to justify their behavior and actions towards him, including the inappropriate comments they made after he was already gone.

Here is where Justin has to let God help him get his emotions out of the way...

We all need to be reconciled. That is God's plan. It was never part of God's plan for our families to become fractured because Austyn died. For Karen and me, we became angry because one "family" member said and did some unbecoming things against Austyn. What would it take to become reconciled? Repentance and good dose of humility. The irony is that Austyn took the lead in this area and demonstrated through his life what this other member needs to learn. In the mean time, the rest of the  extended family will continue to get together and enjoy each others' company. The next "family" gathering is scheduled for September 6th (the day we buried Austyn on last year)  and we are moving forward with our lives...together.

What other plans/dreams do we still have?

Well, we need to get Austyn a headstone. We haven't been able to have one placed on his grave yet because of finances but we serve a great big God and eventually he will provide in this area. It is not a matter of if but when, and I have faith that the "when" will not be too far down the road.

I also have a dream that someday I will be able to minister again with my other best friend (other than Karen of course). There was something supernatural that took place when we ministered together and I am asking God to allow us the opportunity to minister together again. I am excited about what the future holds in this area... :)

Old Spice Cologne, Pipe Smoke and Sawdust

Old Spice cologne, smoke from a pipe and the smell of sawdust all have one thing in common for me; they all bring back wonderful memories of a Dad who loved me so very much and demonstrated it through the physical affection he showed me. My Dad’s father passed away when my Dad was fairly young, around 11 years old or so. I don’t really know much about my Grandpa Cowell, but if he was anything like my Dad he was probably an affectionate man. Even if he wasn’t, that was the way my Dad was and that is how he taught me to be. My Dad hugged and kissed me and told me he loved me up until the last day we were physically with each other and I was 38 years old at the time. Even beyond that he always told me he loved me before he hung up the phone whenever he called. Honestly, I miss that immensely.

Karen and I are not shy about showing our affections for each other, but I want this to be about my relationship with my sons so just know that is why I won’t mention our marriage relationship anymore in this post. I am sure my boys would not like me to share this but I am going to anyway because it shows how the tradition of showing physical affection between Dad and Sons lives on in our household. I have kissed, hugged and told my sons I love them since birth. That is just the kind of person that I am. I have had to learn to control my Public Display of Affection (PDA) because it embarrasses my sons. Because I never want them to stop showing their affection to me in a physical way, I control my urges to hug and kiss them in public (although I sneak one in from time to time). Both of them still tell me that they love me and hug me multiple times each day and both boys allow me to kiss them in the privacy of our home. Every morning I kiss both of my sons before I sneak out of the house to go to work. I NEVER MISS my morning kiss with them because it is as important as anything else in my life and I would rather be late than miss kissing my sons.

Now I know there are those people who are thinking, “You don’t have to kiss, hug and tell your kids that you love them to show your affection to them!” Well, if that works for you and your kids, good for you! That doesn’t work for me and I am going to do it my way until my boys won’t allow me to. So why is it that important to me? Because I believe that my sons need the security that comes from knowing that I wanted them, I accept them and I love them…period. The best way for me to do that is by demonstrating for them my love and affection in a physical way.

One of the things I have learned as a Dad, my kids will always need my affection in some way to help them feel secure. When they were real little guys, they would crawl into my lap and snuggle with me while we watched television or movies together. Now, they sit on the couch with me and sometimes casually lean against me. It is subtle, but I understand the message. It is a grown-up way of cuddling and I am really good with that. I enjoy it!

Judging

Have you ever heard somebody say this, “you have no right to judge me” or hear somebody quote Matthew 7:3-4, “"And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye?"

Is it true that we are in jeopardy of hell fire if we do judge? Well, lets explore this just a little. First of all, everyone is guilty of judging whether they choose to admit it or not. When we wake up in the morning, we choose the clothing that we wear based on our likes or dislikes. That is a judgment. When we choose what we want to eat, that is a judgment. When we go to Walmart to buy light bulbs and we choose to buy the GE brand instead of the Great Value brand; that is a judgment. So, judging is not inherently improper.

So what makes judging inherently improper or proper? The answer is quite simply, motive.

When it comes to people, especially amongst the religious types, judging others tends to raise red flags and everyone jumps on the bandwagon of "Do not judge lest you be judged yourselves" (Matthew 7:1, NASB). Although at first glance this seems to be straight-forward, it becomes a little more murky when you throw in two other sayings of Jesus found in John 7:24, “"Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment”; and Luke 12:57, "Why don't you judge for yourselves what is right?" Jesus was not requiring us to look the other way and to ignore things going on around us that is wrong. Rather, He was prohibiting judgment that was intentionally inaccurate and malicious. You see, because Jesus is the son of God he understands that sometimes people are quick to judge and criticize others because they are trying to cover up their own shortcomings and flaws. They do that by pointing out the minor flaws in others to hide the bigger flaws in themselves. Unfortunately, we are all guilty of doing this from time to time. I won’t even pretend to be flawless in this area.

So what was the point Jesus was trying to make with Matthew 7:3-4? He was prohibiting judgment that is rendered based on wrong motives. He was dealing with those persons who cannot render godly constructive correction because they have not dealt effectively with their own faults. These are the kind of people who do not seek to correct, forgive, restore and reconcile brothers and sisters to God. Instead, they intentionally do all that they can to make other peoples’ lives miserable for personal pleasure or gain.

So what type of judging is proper? When we ask God to help us with the sin in our own lives, the Holy Spirit removes those things that cloud our vision and helps us to judge things from God’s perspective: in love, seeking the best interest of the person being judged. Ultimately, the goal of righteous judgment is to bring another person closer to God. Introspectively, I need to let the Holy Spirit continue to help me in this area and I suspect that I am not alone.

Hurry Up God, You're Way Too Slow!

Like everyone else in the world, I dream of things that I would like to acquire some day. As time progresses, I realize that the day that I can fulfill one of my desires is slowly approaching. I have for years dreamed of having a pontoon party boat that we could go out on to have a good time with family and/or friends. I have been waiting many years for that dream to come to fruition and I still have a few more years to wait. Although my income is now 5 1/2 times what it was when Karen and I first got married, we still have decided to show self control by putting money away for retirement and paying off all our long-term debt as quickly as possible (which is only our mortgage now).

I wish I could say that showing self-control were easy for me but it is something that I had to learn the hard way. When I was young and dumb, I had many thousands of dollars of credit card debts and automobile loans and quickly found myself over extended. Needless to say, my credit score took a sharp nose dive and I couldn't get a loan back then to buy a candy bar in a grocery store. When Karen and I got married, I brought the extra baggage of debt into the marriage with me. Through hard work and perseverance, we paid off my debt and haven't made the same mistakes again. I guess that is why I can be tolerant of young people who make stupid mistakes because I was one at one time. About three weeks ago I received a call from the bank manager at the bank which Karen and I use. She had run my credit score and we were 11 points away from having perfect credit. She stated it was the highest score she had ever seen in her banking career. God blessed our endeavors and helped us repair the damage that I had done.

Over the years I have seen so many examples of foolish people doing foolish things. To be fair though, I have seen one great example of a man of God who took a stand to trust God to finance his church's building program and he has stood by the promise that he made to God. Here is that great example:

Over 10 years ago, Karen and I went to a large church in Fort Smith Arkansas. The pastor at this church of over 1300 members felt that God wanted them to expand their facilities so they could serve more people in the community. The church was already serving several hundred inner-city children every week and this pastor felt God wanted them to expand to serve even more families. However, the pastor knew that God wanted them to do it debt free and that they needed to raise the money so they wouldn't have to borrow it. You see, this pastor understood that although the Bible doesn't say that borrowing money is a sin, it does state that borrowing money is unwise. Proverbs 22:7 states, "The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender." It has been over 10 years, and this church still continues to raise the money for their building program and GOD HAS BLESSED THEM.

This is one example of a true man of God who has followed through on his commitment to allow God to provide the funding for God's expansion program. Unfortunately, most of us only hear about those men of God who may not have been so wise in their fund raising efforts because they tried to trump God and use debt as a means to fund their expansion program. Did you catch that? In one instance I said "God's" expansion program and in the other I said "their" expansion program. You see, when God is in it, God has the ability to finance any expansion program. He just does it in his own timing. We have many great examples of this. When God wanted his people to build a tabernacle, Moses put the word out that resources were needed and the people gave. No debt financing was necessary. When Solomon wanted to build God's temple, he used the resources that God had already provided through the King's treasury. No debt financing was necessary. That is where we go wrong when we try to trump God.

So when is borrowing money a sin? At this point I am going to give my opinion. I believe that debt becomes a sin when we allow it to go beyond providing for our basal requirements (shelter, food, clothing, etc) to providing ourselves with luxuries if it binds our finances so strongly that we are ineffective in helping others with their basal requirements. In other words, if we are so strapped for cash because we bought luxury items for ourselves (or family) that we are unable to help others who really need it, then it is a sin. The other time I believe it is a sin is when we are inpatient in waiting for God to provide and we decide to take matters into our own hands. Then it is a sin because it is a condition of the heart. Either we didn't trust God to provide or we decided that his timing didn't meet our demands and we decided to change the timeline to meet what we wanted. In essence, we are saying, "hurry up God, you're way too slow!" 

What it really boils down to is that Karen and I are only truly responsible for how we handle our family's finances and the training we give our children in how they should handle their finances. However,  I also think that since God has allowed us to learn some valuable lessons through our experiences we should share those experiences in order to help others.